You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
