Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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