dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
