I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
