You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
