I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
