everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
