I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
