My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
