How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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