You smell like stripper and shame
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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