Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
