yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
