im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
