'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
