I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
