My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
