well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
