Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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