I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
