Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
