My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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