just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
