I want to walk on stilts...naked
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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