Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
