I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
