Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Sponge bath it is.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
