he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He is an equal opportunity slut.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize