She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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