apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
