hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
