I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
