im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
