i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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