Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
