there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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