i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
