U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
