i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize