In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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