I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
