I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
