never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
