I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she peed on how many people?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
