WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
