So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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