Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
