while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
