dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
