It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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