im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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