Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
