I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They took my balls.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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