She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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