I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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