OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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