i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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