I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
